First page of a feature script...

[eidde]

hi there

Seems quite cute in probably a straight-to-video-matrixy kind of way. (thats sort of a compliment by the way.)
Be quite interesting to see how it pans out if it does at all.

[thelaughingduck2001]

i appreciate your thoughts and the camera thing i do sometimes when a shot pops in my mind that i don't want to forget

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">That's exactly why I include them. Some would say if it's a great shot you'll never forget it but it's good for them to be there IMO. And for example, a brilliant descriptive piece about camera angles could endear the reader. To go back to Taxi Driver, if you read Paul Schraeder's description of the camera going around the room, viewing the carnage and down the stairs and seeing the blood splattered walls, it's excellent stuff.

'His name is probably Travis' is too clever a remark IMO. It;s easier to say 'he looks the Travis Bickle-typse' but I wouldn't even include that. It's barely acceptable to say 'he looks like a real Charles Bronson-type' (but I still use it when describing tough guys LOL)

[Vlad the Impaler]

I could picture the whole thing in my head and thought it was good. They're right about the 'his name is probably TRAVIS' - decide whether the person reading the script needs this information now or later... then save it until later.

The bit with the Waiter is a bit strange... if she knows she's dead and all. It is a good way to confirm that she can't be seen.. but maybe just asking the waiter once.. like she could do out of force of habit and then realising she is dead and show her annoyance.

Didn't like the remote control idea at the end but i suppose i'll have to live with it :-p

[andyblaa]

I personally found it quite difficult to read. You could do with breaking up the the long paragraphs of action with spaces. It will help a great deal with pacing and make it a much easier read. I agree with Kev about the action being sometimes muddled, I had to re-read certain sections a couple of times, and when I still hadn't worked out exactly what was going on I just skipped the line and went onto the next. I've read a lot of scripts and written a lot of scripts so I shouldn't have to do that.

I also think it seems slightly cliched. After we've had The Sixth Sense and The Others etc. it hard to get away from the fact that dead people walking around has been done before. I'm sure your take on thing is very different though, I just can't ascertain this yet.

I think you should look into writing the scene with the two Eleanors in slightly differently. It doesn't work for me, calling the second one Eleanor 2, I suspect there's probably a cleaner way of writing this.

I don't know if I'm reading too much into it but have you said his name is probably Travis in reference to Travis Bickle from Taxi Driver, as in them both being gun crazy killers? If so, or if not, it feels too much like a cheesy Writers line that writers use to make the script sound cool. Schrader did it in Taxi Driver with the "This is what the whole script you've just read has been building up to" and William Goldman does it a hell of a lot with all his "That's right, folks, our man just pulled a etc etc." I think most writers do it, I know I do, but at the end of the day, is it just a device to make you as a writer seem cool, or does it tangibly move the story along? Most of the time no.

But all in all, I think for a first draft it definately works. I think there is just about enough dialogue to tell that it's good, it seems natural and consice enough.

Good luck with the rest.

Andy

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ March 09, 2004 12:31 PM: Message edited by: andyblaa ]</font>

[slamjockey]

it wasn't a taxi driver reference consciously. just the first name that popped into my head. his name is of no importance really.

having read it through now after a few days break i do need to work out the rpeated ELEANOR'S but mr. 2nd draft can do that for me!

the waiter remark above is a good point too so thanks for that. and don't worry eidde i aim to have the 1st draft finished by my birthday April 7th!

thanks for all the feedback its good to hear and reflect on different aspects raised. just a final word to say that it isn't really a ghost story but there are elements. not in a 6th sense/others way though.

thank you everyone

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ March 10, 2004 03:08 PM: Message edited by: slamjockey ]</font>